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AS the editor of this column for the past 16 months, I've been awash in the mostly tumultuous love lives of strangers.

Since Modern Love started on Halloween , random tales of romantic and familial woe have poured in unabated, swamping the e-mail in-box with hundreds of letters and submissions and, despite my frantic bailing, keeping it that way. Reading these essays and others like them in my quiet office, all alone except for my gray-haired mutt sleeping beside me in her wicker basket, I get the impression that a lot of people on the other side of my cable modem lead far more interesting lives than I do.

At 43, I've been happily married to the same person for 13 years. Together we have two generally well-behaved and untroubled children, a heavily air-bagged Volvo station wagon the top choice of the risk-averse and a year-old Victorian house that embodies, as an architect friend once pointed out, the sexual repression of its time.

Alas, I've never been to Alaska, enjoyed love with Lyme disease, fasted for love, fulfilled any fantasies I might harbor involving rock star booty or gone on a heroinlike date. But I'm learning. In fact, at times I feel like some Kinsey research assistant as I sift through the tales of love, sex, dating, marriage, perversion, longing, sexual dysfunction and death that arrive hourly. Although it would be a stretch to say I've gained actual wisdom from bathing daily in these troubled waters, I do know considerably more about what's going on in the wide world of relationships than I did when I started.

So when my boss suggested that for Valentine's Day we take a break from our regular programming so that I might share my observations about 21st-century dating and mating, I decided to give it a try.

Thus, with humility as well as gratitude to the many contributors and would-be contributors to this column , I offer the following thoughts on the oft-tortured state of modern love. In pursuing love, electronic communication allows us to be more reckless, fake, distracted and isolated than ever before.

According to the personal accounts I've read, men and women today are apt to plunge into love affairs via text message, cut them off by PowerPoint, lie about who they are and what they want in forums and blogs and online dating sites, pretend they're young when they're old and old when they're young, ignore the people they're physically with for those who are a keystroke away, shoo their children off their laps to caress their BlackBerrys, and spend untold hours staring at pixilated porn stars when they should be working, socializing, taking care of their children or sleeping.

It begs the question: Has electronic communication officially become the most seductive mistress of all time? The number of women being dumped by men "for no reason" appears to remain high.

Many of the essays and letters I've received about breakups indicate that despite whatever progress men and women have made in actually being able to talk about what's going on in their relationships, many men are still choosing to end relationships with women "for no reason. When the tables are turned, however, women seem to have little trouble explaining to men why it's over. Whether the man accepts the explanation, believes it or even hears it is another matter.

Nearly everyone cyberstalks. If anyone has ever had a crush on you yes, including grade school , then you almost certainly have been "cyberstalked," probably at a time when your stalker was feeling trapped in a suffocating marriage. Ex-wives and ex-husbands also seem to cyberstalk each other in an apparent attempt to determine levels of happiness or sadness.

One woman even stumbled upon her previously philandering and now remarried ex-husband on a Web forum and -- under an assumed name and identity of course -- decided to flirt with him for a few weeks until he asked her out, which made her feel a little sick but also led her to the liberating realization that the cheating he'd done in their marriage likely had little, if anything, to do with her.

Reconnecting with an old high school or college sweetheart late in life seems to result in happiness more often than not. In one of the few positive developments I've noticed, a majority of the stories submitted involving sweethearts who reconnect via cyberstalking, naturally after decades of being married to someone else have strongly positive outcomes.

You might think people would be afraid of what they might find after 40 years, not to mention worried about how they might appear themselves, and usually they are. But the emotional sequence upon meeting is commonly a rush of familiarity followed by relief, connection, comfort, happiness.

View all New York Times newsletters. Gay marriage turns out to be yawningly similar to heterosexual marriage. Critics of gay marriage predicted the unraveling of our moral fiber while some supporters went so far as to proclaim that gays might revitalize marriage in the same way they've gentrified run-down neighborhoods. But dispatches from the gay marriage front tell a far more ordinary story, that of devoted couples eager to affirm their life-long commitment, have children for whom they can provide a loving home, and claim legal rights and benefits.

Once hitched, they seem to engage in the same dull arguments about the inequities of sexual desire and domestic drudgery as hetero couples. So what's the difference? As far as I can tell, only this: Whereas today's straight mothers often face chronic criticism of their housekeeping and parental skills from their own mothers and mothers-in-law, gay fathers seem to get a pass on both, or at least are subjected to a different standard, and may be urged by their mothers to relax or even take a nap.

Meanwhile, heterosexual marriage seems to be as confusing and politically charged as ever. For many straight couples, husbands and wives continue to struggle to figure out what roles they're supposed to play these days: Who's supposed to earn, clean, cook, shop, care for the children, and manage it all?

Although people pay lip service to the idea of respecting individual choices, modern marriage, particularly for mothers of young children, is a tinderbox of high-octane feelings that explodes at the slightest spark. When Ayelet Waldman wrote in this space that her marriage and its passion was the central relationship in her life and that her children were tangential, legions of mothers howled in praise and protest. It was a warning shot across the bow of today's child-centered parents who often sacrifice their marriages and sex lives on the altar of child rearing.

And only six weeks ago, when Terry Martin Hekker told her own cautionary tale of how being a stay-at-home mother had left her vulnerable when her husband of 40 years divorced her, the yowls of praise and protest began again.

So much for domestic tranquillity any time in the near future. Online dating is found by many to be scary, fun, miraculous, hollow. Large numbers of people report approaching online dating with great trepidation, then quickly embracing it for the great fun and smorgasbordlike temptation it presents, then allowing themselves to imagine that the person with whom they are corresponding is their one true love, and finally facing profound disappointment when the process ends in a face-to-face meeting with an actual, flawed human being who doesn't look like a JPEG or talk like an e-mail message.

Couples who seek to have an untraditional, break-the-mold wedding attended by only their closest friends and family on a mountaintop in France inevitably wind up at a country club in Westchester wearing formal attire and reading standard vows before an audience of fidgeting strangers.

And yet, in the end, it's still fun. Whether from a test tube, a surrogate, an agency, or a friend, a baby is still a baby. I've read few accounts more fraught with hope and anxiety than those about people who want children but face obstacles: single with a ticking biological clock, infertile, genetically at-risk, gay.

They research and pay for in vitro fertilization, sperm banks and adoption agencies. Single women guess at who might be better to approach to perform a stud service friend who stays in the future baby's life? Of course, like everything else, acquiring a child has become for many an endeavor in online shopping, as people pore over photos of foreign babies on Web sites or advertise themselves as potential surrogates. They worry about the implications and morality of their choices, about whether they're being selfish or playing God.

But when a couple get their baby if they do , the angst and doubt instantly melt away, and all they can think about is how much they love this no-longer-abstract child. Among the lovelorn and childless, many seem resigned that pets and people are better at forging successful relationships with each other than people and people. The data suggest that a small but entrenched segment of the population has come to the conclusion that the companionship of pets particularly dogs yields greater satisfaction, loyalty, depth of love and ease of relationship than a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or child.

But even among this hard-core crowd there remains nagging doubt as to whether a pet, even a really super great pet, can totally replace the need for human love in one's life. So often, with a heavy heart and their guard up, they resume the search. Cheers to that. And cheers to those daring souls willing and able to write about the complexities of human love with such honesty, wit and grace that they make their experience ours. Because while it's true that the ways of seeking, finding and keeping love are ever-changing, the emotions and entanglements remain, century after century, reassuringly the same.

For better or worse, I'm guessing they always will. Happy Valentine's Day. E-mail: modernlove nytimes. Please upgrade your browser.

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